Tonite

12:10 midnite. Can’t sleep. Drank too much coffee in the afternoon. I feel like I want to split my body into three parts… one to type this blog, one to run my other errands and another to paint on my handmade quilts. I am surprised that I’m still stressed even after leaving the corporate world.

My dog sighs. He’s sleeping cozily over layers of pillows. He’s named after my favorite chatmate that I’m still terribly attracted after 6 years. I thought I was done with him. But my feelings are getting another rollercoaster ride when all the feelings I’ve buried begun to resurface when I painted his portrait for my show. I must be fucking insane to even think to be in love with this guy. I mean, I haven’t even met him!!!! Now I know why Matt, the husband of Jemy (inspirational online romance couple) was thought of his neighbors as crazy when he starts telling them that he’s visiting the Philippines to meet jemy. Fucking insane.

I hate the feeling of needing. I get like this a month before a show comes. When the stress levels are up, you need to produce brilliant ideas and you are reminded of how fragile your sanity is when a certain chatmate of yours cuts you in your mid sentence to say goodbye, when all you want to do is, plead for him to stay awhile longer, humor you a bit, and at least alleviate your loneliness for a few minutes.

I was crying while painting his portrait. One of my friends knew… just one look at the painting, even if the portrait was smiling, it was still sad. And it’s true. I was crying while doing it. For the lack of understanding of what has happened. For the loss, and for the feelings that are resurrecting, that I should have had control over.

Sigh. I find no resolution in my problems.

I weep for myself tonight, but kiss my online chatmate’s forehead in the air, wishing him that he find relief from the emptiness we both carry inside.